“When did it happen?”. It is a question that tumbles through my brain like a load of laundry in the dryer, every now and again. Often, I ask this question silently to myself before of after I’ve had to speak to people in a formal setting – an interview, a presentation to colleagues or at networking events.
The “it” I am referring to is speaking. Yep, just speaking. Nothing catastrophic or death-defying…speaking in front of people. It’s super cliche to say “I am afraid of public speaking” as I know it is more feared than death, blah, blah. Somehow I don’t find comfort in this. I am not sure anyone does because it is a very personal battle and no matter how many times you tell yourself that this is something 9 out of 10 people deal with, it is still only me, at that moment, trying to find the right words, only to have them slip from my brain and ooze into the abyss of lost words in the depths of my gut. Ugh.
To retrace my steps, I am an introvert by nature. That’s not a new revelation to me, but there was a time when I wasn’t afraid of speaking at all. I was brimming with confidence like a peppy cheerleader leading a stadium full of rowdy fans through a cheer. I could whip up a presentation for my managers or talk to colleagues with ease. I traveled around the world training our sales organization on a new sales and marketing process we created, for goodness sakes. When did I lose that “swaggah”?
It’s hazy, but I can almost certainly track it back to a few managers who chiseled away at my confidence with every interaction, until one day, I stood up in front of a room full of VPs, managers, colleagues, and interns to give a presentation I knew well…and I froze. Mind spinning to find words, face red, spine-tingling, legs numb. It was one the moment – at least the one I can pinpoint. Perhaps it was the culmination of years of battling this fear. Maybe it was the combination of no longer being the subject matter expert and having to work to learn and present on a topic with which I was less familiar. I don’t know with absolute certainty.
What I do know is that it was the beginning of a battle for me, a battle to return from that place and re-introduce myself to that inner superhero who can speak with ease and command. She’s there. We’ve chatted a bit from time to time. We aren’t yet on a first name basis again but it will happen. I just have to keep looking this fear in the eyes, work my way through those spine-tingling moments until one day I realize my face isn’t hot, my hands aren’t shaking and my words are flowing like they do on paper.
Until then, I’m yours till butter flies,
